Harmony at Halloween: All color of buckets are welcome at our door!

adhd, ASD, atypical, autism, equal rights, equality, inclusion, neurodiversity, parenting, politics, special needs, special needs parenting

Harmony at Halloween: All color of buckets are welcome at our door!

Ever have one of those social media moments where you cringe and want to crawl into an ethernet hole? No? Then you’re not me.

I, with all good intentions and little forethought, shared an article on a social media site and asked for people’s opinions about kids using a blue bucket for trick-or-treating to signify that they are on the spectrum. Why did I do this? I was looking for other’s opinions and genuinely wanted an open discussion about the topic. What I didn’t anticipate, and should have, was a social media clash of politics and high emotions. Some of it was directed at me for even sharing the article but I honestly enjoyed the conversations and it opened my eyes to some perceptions that I hadn’t considered.

For those undoctrinated, there are different colored Halloween jack-o-lantern buckets to indicate if a kid has food allergies, teal buckets for instance, and a growing number of families use blue buckets for kids on the spectrum.

A few angry parents remarked that we might as well use different colored buckets for everything. They probably meant that flippantly but I don’t think that’s a bad idea. If we’re hoping for an inclusive, accepting world then a rainbow of colors in our candy buckets sounds like a fun idea to me. I’m all for people over sharing rather than being silenced for fear of ridicule or shamed into masking their true identity. The only masks we should wear are fun ones. (It’s Halloween after all, not a Republican rally.)

There were a few parents concerned about their kids being stigmatized by using a blue bucket as an invasion of their privacy. I can see that point of view as well; however, the more open I am about my family being neurodivergent the easier time we have in interactions and the more accepted my kids feel. I tell them every day how much love I them and how proud I am of them. To me, they really are super heros. Costumes or not.

Being open about neurodivergence gives others a chance to feel comfortable asking questions and it prepares them for some of my kids’ behavior and it shows that we’re willing to discuss autism with them. We’ve had many moments where we’ve been approached and asked questions and it allows for the conversation that a lot of us hope for as parents. It’s not comfortable all the time but I’d rather the discomfort than make my kids feel like I’m hiding their identity from the world. Autism isn’t soley their identity but it’s a big part of who they are because it affects them physiologically. 

The logical question, on the flip side of this, is do my kids mind me being open about their neurodiversity. It’s a valid question. When it comes to my writing, the rule is that I ask the kids before I post. I review what I’m going to share with them and allow them veto power on what gets posted or published. That includes anything I quote and any photos I share. It’s a hard rule to follow, I won’t lie. There are pics that I gush over and feel a pang of disappointment when they ask me not to share, but I also understand. It’s their image, their identity, and I have to respect their wishes when it comes to sharing.

Much like the developmental stages we’re nearing, my writing has evolved based on the comfort level of what my kids allow me to share. I know the day is coming that they want me to keep everything private and I’ll honor that. Besides, I want to hear what they want to share.

My vote on the color of your bucket, wear and share what you want and celebrate however you feel comfortable. I just know I’ll have four buckets for you when you come to the door: teal for allergies, silver for chocolate, blue for toys, and orange for what I won’t share with you at all and binge eat once the kids are asleep. Happy holiday!

Politely Defiant

ASD, autism, marriage, neurodiversity, parenting, politics

“No, ‘tanks. Not yet…No, thank YOU.”

I hear this statement frequently from Owen. It epitomizes his character and willful spirit. Even as he is defying you he is doing so politely. He is kind yet abrupt and I love him all the more for it and find it to be true of most people I love in my life, my two children and husband. To be autistic for them is to continue to be true to their nature despite the insensitivities and intolerance of others. To embrace their otherness is a daily act of defiance in the face of those that are unwilling to accept them.

Not that long ago I received a message from a reader who referenced an article having to do with the privacy of children and this person felt “mommy bloggers” like myself were sharing information that their children might find embarrassing some day. Let’s just ignore the misogyny and judgement and focus on the obvious flawed logic. The message implied that I was betraying their confidences and that they would resent me someday for doing so. As if it’s possible to raise a child and have them NOT be embarrassed by their parents. Yet part of me gave pause, questioned the validity of their argument, and the fact it made me question my own beliefs lead me to my decision.

Starting next month I will be moving all political and social commentary to a new site, Politely Defiant, at http://www.politelydefiant.com. All anecdotes and discussion about my kids will remain at Kelso Kids but I will be limiting access to the site to protect the privacy of my children. Not only because they’re now attending school (and can read!) but to allow them the chance to make mistakes and not fear what I share.

This will also give me the freedom to share opinions and discussion on Politely Defiant without fear of it upsetting those I love or causing conflict for them. And by “conflict” I mean them getting upset with me personally for disagreeing with their politics. I know I have lost followers in the past because of my beliefs and to that I say, farewell. Whether you are a loyal reader or a blood relative, I have not hidden my views and I won’t to please anyone.

Parenting children on the spectrum, being accepting of autism, is an act of defiance in itself.

Not that long ago, parents like myself were pressured by doctors and educators to institutionalize their children. To commit to parenting an autistic child was seen as foolish at the least and shameful at the worst. Such attitudes still influence society’s treatment of neurodiverse children and I do not deny that it hasn’t taken on a large part of my focus as a writer. For those of you that are looking for support and a safe place to share your experiences with neurodiversity then I welcome you to Politely Defiant. For those that want to find out when Owen figured out how to remove the heating grates, come see us at Kelso Kids.